When you speak like this it makes people dislike and avoid you

The most hated word in the English language isn’t a swear word or “taxes,” even though that one may be close.

You use it all the time and likely don’t even realize how repulsive it makes your language.

What is it?

“But.”

That’s it.

Pretty anticlimactic, isn’t it?

Why is but such a secretly disgusting word?

It erases all the goodwill that came before it; here’s an example;

“I really love being around you, but you need to start taking better care of yourself.”

Compare that with,

“I really love being around you; thanks for taking the time to hang out today.”

Which statement would you rather receive?

The second one, right?

Using the word “but” in a sentence like this makes the compliment portion, “I really love being around you,” feel fake, sleazy, and even a bit manipulative.

It feels like a setup where you get them to lower their guard momentarily so you can get a clear shot to backhand them.

The other place “but” has no business being used is in apologies.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you, but I’ve already asked you to clean your room three times.”

This one is sneaky, and unfortunately, parents use it with their kids all the time.

Can you see how “but” cheapened the apology?

“Cheapened” isn’t a fair description; it’s far worse.

When you inject “but” into an apology, it’s not an apology; it’s a way to blame the other person for YOUR behavior.

Do you see it?

Here’s what that apology really says.

I’ve asked you to clean your room three times, and I feel justified in yelling at you regardless of how it affects you.

Feels gross, doesn’t it?

That kind of apology is better left unsaid.

Try this instead, “I’m sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you; I’ll do better next time I’m feeling frustrated.”

That’s it.

Own your mistake.

Does the kid still need to clean her room?

Yes. However, that has nothing to do with your behavior, so address that later on or in a separate conversation.

Weekly Challenge

Take note of where “but” pops up in conversation.

You’ll likely notice it in two places:

First, people you find most magnetic and enjoyable to be around use “but” in their compliments and apologies the least, if at all.

They don’t place qualifiers on their praise or inject blame into their apologies.

They embody their opinions and perspectives without exception.

Second, you’ll find “but” in the interactions that leave you feeling like you could’ve done better.